A Jury of My Peers

Right away when I got here, G used the expression "shame culture" to describe this society. I didn't really understand what that meant, exactly, until after I'd been here for about five weeks. I think he meant it to describe what our students feel, and why they respond in certain ways to various classroom tactics. He is not wrong to use it that way, but the part that I find more immediate is the foundation of shame culture that is brought to bear even on foreigners. By this, I mean the fixation on conformity with accepted norms. One can only shame someone if they all agree on the norms of good behavior and the degree to which deviation is a sin. In Korea, hoo boy is it a sin!

The US is not a perfect example of understanding and tolerance, quaint phrases like, "melting pot" notwithstanding. Still, there is more of what I consider an awareness of other cultures there than here, by about a factor of 6. Possibly 7. Forgive my stupidity, but I had actually, at one point, thought that the homogeneity of Korea would work in my favor - clearly I was foreign, and so clearly they should expect wild and crazy things from me, i.e., not what they necessarily expect of Koreans. Not... not so much, folks. This is an extremely heteronormative, matrimonionormative (yes, that's a word now, tell your friends) place.

I would like to be telling you this from the perspective of a cool, rational observer, who has remained unchanged by what she observes. Mostly, that would be true, actually. I have not changed my opinions, just thought about them more. I defy any reasonably cogent, aware person from a similar background to come here and not think about them, specifically those surrounding that end-out be-all of Korean existence: the romantic relationship. It is impossible to immerse oneself in this culture and be unaware of it. It's not just on t.v., it's all around when you walk down a street, or when people get excited to try their English out on you. Every new person wants to know if you are married, and if you aren't, who you're dating or how close you are to getting married.

In the US, I think two people asked me about that when I graduated college. Out of all the people I know. Two. Here, it's everyone! Not just people you know (because if it were, then it'd be a small number), but strangers! And it's not just adults, it's kids. Notably my students. I lost control of a class once for about ten minutes just because I wore a ring. Not anything that looked even like an engagement or wedding ring, mind you, just a cheap decorative thing I picked up on a lark once. Lost control of a room full of 13-year-olds. Not only did I feel like a lousy teacher, but I was overwhelmed with their expectation. Of course I should be married. Of course I should be thinking about it. They were only 13, and already they knew that.

It is embarrassing to me that I have been so affected by what feels at least a little like a viral campaign. I was here only a month before it bothered me so much I actually asked a couple of friends whether or not I should be doing anything now about my (very) eventual marriage plans (lest the reader forget, I am twenty-two. Twenty-two!) Before that, in the States, this was not even remotely a priority. In 30 days, peer pressure (from people who are not even my peers!) reduced me to the insecurity level of a high school sophomore. (Watch closely to be sure I do not next adopt emo glasses. My bangs are getting so long I am halfway to emo already. Save me from myself). I internalized a Korean norm and was shamed by my noncompliance with it. I suppose we could look at this very positively and say I am adapting, but there are enough of the American and University of Chicago norms still present that I am deeply embarrassed to have been swayed so far out of sorts by a place I am, fundamentally, visiting.

I hope, dear reader, you have patience enough to bear with me as the needle on my meter of self swings back to some kind of middle-me ground. I'd like to be writing this as me-in-Korea, but I don't want that to be a totally new, neurotic version of myself with a strange hybrid of extreme standards from both America and Korea. We here at Chez Johnson Daejeon are hard at work at boxing up the crazy and getting back to normal. Further, hopefully more objective, bulletins as events warrant.